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A man wants to dress up as Adam at carnival dress up. So he asks for a fig leaf in a shop. The saleswoman gives him a fig leaf and the man retreats to the changing room with it. After a short while he calls: "Unfortunately the sheet is too small, don't you have a larger one?" The saleswoman hands him a large beet leaf into the booth, but shortly afterwards he hears from the booth: "Still too small." The saleswoman searches for a long time and finally finds a huge rhubarb leaf, which she hands into the booth. Half a minute later the complaint comes again: "Too small too! What should I do now?" “I have to see that for myself,” says the saleswoman and enters the booth. She looks, swallows, is amazed and then says: "Forget Adam - just hang your thing over your right ear and go as a gas pump!"

Two people at a job interview the police. The first one goes in. The boss says: “So, say the alphabet.” He does it, it works wonderfully and the boss asks: “Do you notice anything about me?” - "Yes. They have no ears!" The cop roars: "That can't be true, you cheeky man! This is a war injury! Get out!" The guy goes out and says to the other guy: "He'll ask you later if you notice anything about him. Don't under any circumstances say that he doesn't have ears!" The other person remembers it and goes in. The boss asks again about the alphabet, he can recite it excellently, and the boss asks again if he notices anything about him. Says the newcomer: "You're wearing contact lenses." - "How did you notice that?" - "Well, if you had ears, you would wear glasses."

In the Lenin year the directors of the three Moscow watch factories ordered to the Kremlin. The first reports: "We are now building a cuckoo clock, every hour the cuckoo comes out and shouts: 'Lenin, Lenin, Lenin'." Says the second: "That's nothing at all. The cuckoo comes out of our clock and shouts: 'Long live Lenin! Long live Lenin'!" "Well," says the third, "we took a slightly different approach. Lenin comes out here and shouts: 'Cuckoo, cuckoo'!"

How to Kill an Eel - The 12 Year Old Tommy was very curious for his age. He once heard from a schoolmate that he was courting a girl. Now, of course, he asked himself how to start something like that. So he asked his mother. But instead of explaining it to him properly, she suggested that he hide behind the curtain and watch as his sister Nancy and her boyfriend Mike, who was visiting that day, did it. The next morning his mother asked him if he had learned anything. This is what she got in response: "Nancy and Mike sat and chatted for a while. But then Mike turned off the light and the two started hugging and kissing. Nancy must have felt sick because Mike put his hand under her sweater to feel for her heart, just like Uncle Doctor always does, but Mike couldn't do it as well as the Doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart, so he fumbled around for quite a while. Then he got sick too, because they both started moaning and sighing. Since they couldn't sit anymore, they lay down on the sofa. Then Nancy got a fever, I know that for sure because she said she was incredibly hot. And then I finally realized why they were both feeling so bad. A large eel must have crawled into Mike's pants. He jumped out and stood almost vertically. It was at least 20cm long. Honest! Anyway, Mike grabbed him so he couldn't leave. When Nancy saw the eel, she became afraid because her eyes became very big. Her mouth was wide open and she called out to the good Lord. She said it was the biggest she had ever seen. If only she knew that there are much bigger ones down in the lake! Then Nancy gained courage again. She tried to kill the eel by biting its neck. This lasted for a while and suddenly Nancy made a strange noise and let go of him again. I think the eel bit back. Then Nancy grabbed him and held him tightly while Mike pulled something like a seashell out of his pocket. He put this over the eel's head so that it could no longer bite. Nancy lay on her back and spread her legs and Mike lay on top of her. Apparently the two wanted to crush the eel between them. But the eel fought like a madman, and Mike and Nancy moaned and groaned. They fought so hard with the eel that the sofa almost fell over. After a long time, both of them suddenly lay still. Then Mike stood up and lo and behold, the eel was dead! I know this for sure because he was hanging there completely limp with his intestines hanging out. Nancy and Mike were pretty exhausted from the fight, but they still hugged and kissed each other with joy. But then came the big shock. The eel wasn't dead after all! He stood up again and the fight started again. He must have bitten Mike this time because he was suddenly lying on his back on the floor. Then Nancy jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 40 minutes of fighting, he was finally dead. For real this time, because Mike pulled the fur over his ears and flushed it down the toilet."

The young couple has chosen themselves as the destination of their vacation trip the Königssee in Upper Bavaria was chosen. They really like it and the husband snaps whatever he can find. In the familiar painter's corner they meet an artist in front of his easel. They both stop and watch him for a while. Finally the man pats his young wife on the shoulder and points to his camera. "You see, that's what someone has to worry about if they left their camera at home!"

A man sits in the sauna. At his best Piece is tattooed with a "W" and a "Y". Another man comes up and asks what that means. He replies: "When it's hard it says my girlfriend's name. Wendy!" A few days later, the tattooed man is on vacation at the nudist beach in Jamaica. There he sees a local who also has a "W" and a "Y" tattooed on his best piece. He walks up to him and says, "Let me guess: your girlfriend's name is Wendy too!" The local: "No, when he's tough it says: Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice holiday!"

The devil appears to a lawyer and proposes the following deal to him: "I will make you the most successful lawyer in the city. You will have four months of vacation a year. All colleagues will envy you, the clients and judges will respect you. You will be president of your golf club and an honorary doctor of the university. In return, the souls of your parents, your wife and your children will burn in hell forever." The lawyer thinks for a moment and then asks: "And what's the catch?"

A man comes into a restaurant and says: to the innkeeper: "I'll bet you 100 euros that I can show you and your guests the craziest thing you've ever seen." "Good," says the innkeeper, "the bet stands." The man then takes a 20 cm long male out of his coat pocket. The little man walks along the counter and says: "Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Johannes Mario Simmel. You probably know me, I'm a very well-known novelist." The guests are completely amazed and applaud loudly when the performance is over. The innkeeper says: "Here you have the 100 euros. You deserve it. I've never seen anything so crazy. But tell me where you got the dwarf from." Says the man: "There is an ancient oak tree back in the forest. There is a lamp between the gnarled roots. If you rub it, the genie appears and grants you exactly one wish. So you should choose it carefully and say it clearly." The innkeeper immediately rushes off into the forest. He finds the ancient oak tree and the lamp between the roots. He rubs it and the genie appears and says, "You have one wish." The innkeeper immediately says: "I want 10 million in small bills!" "Your wish be granted," says the spirit and - SNIP! - 10 grilled piglets lie on the ground, each with a lemon in its mouth. The innkeeper storms back into his restaurant and confronts the stranger who is still sitting there: "Your mind has a massive hearing defect. I ask him for 10 million in small bills, and he gives me 10 lemons in small pigs!" "So what?" says the man calmly, "do you really think I would have wanted a 20 cm tall Simmel?"

A Frenchman, an Italian and a German are caught drinking alcohol in an Arab country. They are then sentenced to 50 lashes each. Since they are foreigners, they each have one wish. The Frenchman: “Tie a pillow on my back.” The pillow can withstand about 15 hits before it breaks. The Italian saw it and said “tie two pillows on my back”. But they can only withstand 30 hits. Since Germany organized such a wonderful World Cup, the German can express two wishes: "I want 100 lashes!" Everyone is surprised, but - it is his will. And the second wish? "Tie the Italian on my back"

Three boys argue about whose father is the fastest. The first: "My father is a racing driver, he's definitely the fastest!" The second: "Forget it! Mine is a pilot in the Air Force, he's much faster!" The third: "No, my daddy is even faster!" The other two: “So, how does he do it?” - "He's an official!" Big laugh. "No, really! He's so fast that he leaves work at four o'clock on Friday but is home by three o'clock!"

Devil: “Why are you so desperate?” Man: "Stupid question, I'm in hell." Devil: "Hell isn't so bad - we have a lot of fun here. Are you a drunk?" Man: "Sure, I love drinking." Devil: "Well, you're going to love Mondays. We drink schnapps, beer, whiskey, tequila, everything all Monday. We drink until we drop." Man: “That sounds great!” Devil: "Are you a smoker?" Man: “Of course.” Devil: "You'll love Tuesdays. We smoke the best cigarettes from all over the world all day long. If you get cancer, who cares, you're already dead." Man: “That’s just great.” Devil: "I bet you're a player." Man: "Of course I am." Devil: "On Wednesday you can play anything your heart desires: poker, roulette, blackjack... anything you want. If you're broke, who cares, you're dead." Devil: “What about drugs?” Man: "Are you kidding? I love drugs." Devil: "Thursday is drug day. You can take all the drugs! You're dead, who cares?" Man: "I never thought hell would be such a cool place." Devil: “Are you gay?” Man: "No." Devil: "Oh, you'll hate Fridays."

The passenger in the dining car, an East Frisian drank three bottles of wine and now he can't find his compartment anymore. He asks the train conductor for help. He scratches behind his ear: "Bad, bad! Don't you remember anything that would allow you to recognize your compartment?" The East Frisian thinks about it and then says happily: "Yes, now I remember: cows were grazing outside the window!"

A woman goes to the pet store and wants buy a special parrot. Pet shop owner: "Take this one, the one with the two strings on the legs." Woman: "What happens if you pull on it?" Pet shop owner: “Try it out.” The woman pulls on a string, the parrot lifts its leg and says: "Hello. Hello." The woman is excited and pulls the other string, and the parrot lifts its leg again and says, "Good evening. Good evening." The woman is fascinated and thinks out loud: "What will happen if I pull on both at the same time?" Then the parrot said: "Then it'll hit me in the face, you stupid cow!"

Exam in anatomy. The young candidate stands in front of a corpse, precisely in front of what others left of her after their dissection exercises. The professor to the student: “Can you tell me whether this is a female or male corpse?” The student looks at the table, blushes, but says firmly: "A male corpse, Professor!" "So? And how do you want to know that?" With her face turned away, the student points to the remains of a corpse and bravely says: "This is where the penis was." The professor's answer: "Sometimes, madam, sometimes!..."

The officer comes to the doctor and has himself examined. He says: "Lately I feel like I've been worn out for a while!" - "Are you working too much?" - "Oh, that It's actually okay, Doctor, a year ago we had to work overtime still work about 42 hours and today there are only 37.5 hours left." - “Look,” the doctor diagnoses, “you’re probably missing something those 4.5 hours of sleep!"

A police car is routinely parked in the evening in front of a pub. Suddenly the door to the pub opens and an obvious A completely drunk guest staggers into the parking lot. The Police officers grin and watch as the man moves from car to car staggers and tries to unlock the car every time. After five He finally found his car and opened the driver's door and first lies flat on the driver and passenger seats. In the In the meantime, some guests leave the bar and get into their cars and drive away. The drunk gets up and switches it off Windshield wiper on - although it's a nice dry one It's a summer evening - then he activates the turn signal and switches it on Windshield wipers on quickly, turn on the lights and the radio, Turn the indicator off again and press the horn. Finally he starts the engine and turns on the windshield wipers again out of. He moves very slowly forward half a meter, then back half a meter again and then stands again for a few minutes as other guests enter the restaurant leave and drive away. Finally he slowly drives onto the Street. The police officer who watches the spectacle patiently and Amusedly watched, drives after the man, switches it off The blue light turns on and stops the drunk immediately have to take an alcohol test. To the big surprise The policeman's test is negative, whereupon he arrests the man asks you to come with me to the police station because there is something wrong with him Breathalyzer could not be correct. “I doubt that,” he says apparently drunk, "because today it was my turn to play decoy, so everyone else could drive away drunk."

Just don't come for vacation! Have Don't you have any honor in your body? Do you even know how little you work? I want to calculate this for you: There are 365 days in the year, right? You sleep 8 hours a day, that's 122 days, with 243 days left. You have eight hours off every day, which is also 122 days, with 121 days left. There are 52 Sundays in the year where no work is done. What's left? 69 days. There is no work on Saturdays either, that's another 52 whole days. So there are still 17 days left. But continue. You have 1/2 hour break every day, so a total of 7 days. What's left? Only 10 days left. There are 9 holidays in the year, what's left? SAY AND WRITE: 1 DAY! And that's May 1st - and no work is being done on that either! AND YOU WANT TO GO ON HOLIDAY TOO?

The good Lord wants 3 mafiosi to come to him take them to heaven because they weren't good. God to the first: “What have you done?” Answer: "I killed a person!" God: "How is your German?" Mafia: "Good!" God: “How many letters are in the ABC?” Mafia: "26!" God: “Right!” God to the second: “What have you done?” Mafia: "I blew up a bus!" God: “How is your German?” Mafia: "Also good!" God: “How many letters are in the ABC?” Mafia: "26!" God: “Great, come in!” God to the third Mafiosi: “And what did you do?” Mafia: "I blew up a store!" God: "And how about your German?" Mafia: “Also great!” God: “How many letters are in the ABC?” Mafia: "24!" God: “Why only 24?” Mafia: "C & A no longer exists, I blew it away!"

Crazy Laws of the British: It is forbidden to die in the Palace of Westminster. If this does occur, the body must be removed from the building before the death certificate is issued. It is forbidden to ride while drunk. Both on horses and cows. Since 1279, members of Parliament have been forbidden to appear in armor. The Outer Space Act of 1986 prohibits any British citizen from catapulting anything into space without official permission. The legislation also allows judges to order force to ward off an extra-terrestrial invasion. According to the Town Police Clauses Act of 1872, it is forbidden to spread laundry on the street. According to the Town Police Clauses Act of 1872, it is forbidden to turn out carpets. It is forbidden to sing lewd songs. ("Town Police Clauses Act" of 1872) It is also forbidden to call the fire department without reason. ("Town Police Clauses Act" of 1872) Setting fires in the garden is prohibited. ("Town Police Clauses Act" of 1872) According to the Town Police Clauses Act of 1872, flying kites is prohibited. Walking on ice is prohibited. ("Town Police Clauses Act" of 1872) It is forbidden to constantly ring other people's doorbells. ("Town Police Clauses Act" of 1872) Also not allowed: turn off public lamps. ("Town Police Clauses Act" of 1872)

The football club's victory celebration breaks out the masseur with the news: "Our center forward has just become the father of twins." The team captain proudly exclaims: "God damn! He managed a nice one-two." At that moment the coach comes into the dressing room: "Wait! Let's not forget the excellent preparatory work from our libero!"

The teacher asks the class who knows a poem. Friedhelm speaks up and is supposed to present it. "An angler stands on the North Sea beach, the fishing rod in hand. A bass hangs on the fishing hook, the water is up to his knees!" "But Friedhelm, that doesn't rhyme at all!" "No, teacher, not now. But just wait until the tide comes in!"

A Turkish woman is expecting twins. As When the time comes and she goes into labor, she calls the hospital. The control center explains to her that there is no ambulance available at the moment, but that the police will be sent to pick her up. Said and done. A few hours later, shortly before the birth, the police officer shouts: "That's good, push, push..." Suddenly you see a little head peeking out, which immediately pulls back and says to his brother: "Hey, Murat, shit! We have to get out the back, the cops are already waiting up there!"

"Daddy, Dad, I was the only one today was able to report to biology class!" "Good, son, and what was the question?" "The teacher wanted to know who could bring bugs from home to be examined under the microscope..."

In the morning, 7 a.m. The woman confronts the officer breakfast in front of your nose, including a newspaper. They have breakfast, he reads the newspaper, nobody says anything. Three hours later he is still sitting at the table, reading the newspaper, nodding off every now and then, sometimes looking out the window. The woman says: "Listen, darling, don't you have to go to the office today?" He jumps up in shock: "Shit, I thought I'd be there by now!"

A man goes to heaven. He arrives past a tree with lots of bells hanging on it. They jingle so happily. "Peter, what is this tree for?" - "This is a tree of lies. Every time a person on earth lies, a bell rings." - "Aha!" The man stands there for a while and suddenly the whole tree falls over with a loud clatter. "Peter, what happened now?" - "Well, Bundestag session!"