Harry

A physics student, a math student and a Medical students are given a telephone book. What are they doing with it? The physics student says: "These series of measurements are completely unconnected." The math student says: "Since there is no connection, they are definitions. Definitions without a description of what it is are worthless." The medical student smiles tiredly and asks: “Until when?”

Fritzchen goes to his mother and asks: "Can I go to the swimming pool today? The first one will be finished today." The mother replied: “Yes, of course.” If Fritzchen goes into the swimming pool, he comes back with his left arm broken. The next day he asks his mother: "Can I go to the swimming pool again today? The 3 Series will be finished today." Then the mother: “Yes, of course, my darling.” Fritzchen comes back with his right broken arm The next day he asked again: "Can I go to the swimming pool? The 5 Series will be finished today." The mother replied: "Yes, of course, my darling." He comes back with two broken legs. The next day he asked his mother: "Can I go to the swimming pool today? The water will be let in today."

The young woman expecting a baby asks the doctor: "Doctor, what position do I have to assume when I give birth to the child?" Says the doctor: "The same one you were in when you conceived the child!" - “Whaaat?” screams the pregnant woman and wrings her hands. “The legs out of the sunroof?”

Doctor: “Now finally switch gears "Turn off the Walkman and take off the headphones!" Blonde: "It's not possible, they're vital!" The doctor gets fed up and takes the blonde's headphones off. The blonde starts gasping like a fish and turning blue. The doctor becomes uneasy. He puts on the headphones and hears: "Breathe in - breathe out - breathe in - breathe out ..."

A man secretly wants his wife's cat get rid of it and decides to expose it. He takes her in the car, drives 20 houses, abandons the cat and drives home. Ten minutes later the cat is back. “Well,” the man thinks, “maybe the route was a little too short.” Gets back in the car with the cat, drives 5 kilometers and puts it out. Twenty minutes later the cat is back home. "That's enough!" The man thinks to himself, takes the cat in the car and drives 20 kilometers, then through the forest, over a bridge, right, left and then finally abandons the cat in a clearing in the middle of the forest. Half an hour later the man calls home. "Is the cat there?" he asks his wife. "Yes why?" "Get her on the phone, I'm lost."

A woman has an affair while her husband is at work. While she is in bed with her lover, her 13-year-old son comes in, sees them and hides in the closet to watch. Then the man comes home and the woman puts her lover in the closet without noticing that her son is already in there. Son: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes." Son: "I have a baseball." Man: "Nice." Son: “Do you want to buy it?” Man: "No, thank you." Son: "My father is standing out there..." Man: "Okay, all right, how much?" Son: “250 euros” Man: "Okay." After three weeks the same thing happens again, again the son and the lover are in the closet together. Son: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes." Son: "I have a baseball glove." The man remembers the game from last time and asks annoyed: "How much this time?" Son: “750 euros” Man: "All right." A few days later the father says to the son: "Come on, let's play baseball, get your ball and your glove." Boy: "I can't, I sold the stuff." Father: "For how much?" Boy: "1000 euros." Father: "It's outrageous to rip off your friends like that, it's much more than the things are worth. Now you come to church and confess your sins." They both go to church and the father puts the boy in the confessional. Boy: "Dark in here." Pastor: “Don’t start that shit again.”

Crazy laws in the USA - cyclists In Connecticut you can be stopped by the police if you are traveling faster than 100 km/h (!) on your bike. In Alaska, it is illegal to push moose out of a plane or get them drunk. Tourists should also know that it is illegal to look down on a moose from an airplane. In North Carolina, only those who understand something should sing in public. If the singing brother doesn't hit the right note, he has to pay a fine. In Florida, children are not allowed to read Harry Potter without their parents' written (!) consent because it allegedly describes un-Christian rituals. It is advisable to carry at least a dollar in cash with you in Illinois. Otherwise, you can easily be arrested for vagrancy. Are you planning on tying an elephant to a parking meter in Florida? Then you also have to pay the normal parking fee for it! You can't lasso fish in Tennessee. Danger! On Utah highways, all birds have the “right of way.” If you want to attend a church service in Georgia, you must bring a loaded rifle. Otherwise you will be liable to prosecution!

An East Frisian couple wants silver Celebrate a wedding. The husband has plans. "You know, Monika, we want to do everything exactly like it was on our wedding day. We'll go to the woods early!" - “And then?” the woman asks curiously. "Then let's go to our regular restaurant!" - "And then?" - "Then let's climb the mountain and admire the panorama!" - "And then?" - "Then let's go to a cafe!" - "And then?" - "Then let's go home!" - "And then?" - "Then we will bathe our feet, because they will definitely hurt us."

A man wants to dress up as Adam at carnival dress up. So he asks for a fig leaf in a shop. The saleswoman gives him a fig leaf and the man retreats to the changing room with it. After a short while he calls: "Unfortunately the sheet is too small, don't you have a larger one?" The saleswoman hands him a large beet leaf into the booth, but shortly afterwards he hears from the booth: "Still too small." The saleswoman searches for a long time and finally finds a huge rhubarb leaf, which she hands into the booth. Half a minute later the complaint comes again: "Too small too! What should I do now?" “I have to see that for myself,” says the saleswoman and enters the booth. She looks, swallows, is amazed and then says: "Forget Adam - just hang your thing over your right ear and go as a gas pump!"

Two people at a job interview the police. The first one goes in. The boss says: “So, say the alphabet.” He does it, it works wonderfully and the boss asks: “Do you notice anything about me?” - "Yes. They have no ears!" The cop roars: "That can't be true, you cheeky man! This is a war injury! Get out!" The guy goes out and says to the other guy: "He'll ask you later if you notice anything about him. Don't under any circumstances say that he doesn't have ears!" The other person remembers it and goes in. The boss asks again about the alphabet, he can recite it excellently, and the boss asks again if he notices anything about him. Says the newcomer: "You're wearing contact lenses." - "How did you notice that?" - "Well, if you had ears, you would wear glasses."

In the Lenin year the directors of the three Moscow watch factories ordered to the Kremlin. The first reports: "We are now building a cuckoo clock, every hour the cuckoo comes out and shouts: 'Lenin, Lenin, Lenin'." Says the second: "That's nothing at all. The cuckoo comes out of our clock and shouts: 'Long live Lenin! Long live Lenin'!" "Well," says the third, "we took a slightly different approach. Lenin comes out here and shouts: 'Cuckoo, cuckoo'!"

How to Kill an Eel - The 12 Year Old Tommy was very curious for his age. He once heard from a schoolmate that he was courting a girl. Now, of course, he asked himself how to start something like that. So he asked his mother. But instead of explaining it to him properly, she suggested that he hide behind the curtain and watch as his sister Nancy and her boyfriend Mike, who was visiting that day, did it. The next morning his mother asked him if he had learned anything. This is what she got in response: "Nancy and Mike sat and chatted for a while. But then Mike turned off the light and the two started hugging and kissing. Nancy must have felt sick because Mike put his hand under her sweater to feel for her heart, just like Uncle Doctor always does, but Mike couldn't do it as well as the Doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart, so he fumbled around for quite a while. Then he got sick too, because they both started moaning and sighing. Since they couldn't sit anymore, they lay down on the sofa. Then Nancy got a fever, I know that for sure because she said she was incredibly hot. And then I finally realized why they were both feeling so bad. A large eel must have crawled into Mike's pants. He jumped out and stood almost vertically. It was at least 20cm long. Honest! Anyway, Mike grabbed him so he couldn't leave. When Nancy saw the eel, she became afraid because her eyes became very big. Her mouth was wide open and she called out to the good Lord. She said it was the biggest she had ever seen. If only she knew that there are much bigger ones down in the lake! Then Nancy gained courage again. She tried to kill the eel by biting its neck. This lasted for a while and suddenly Nancy made a strange noise and let go of him again. I think the eel bit back. Then Nancy grabbed him and held him tightly while Mike pulled something like a seashell out of his pocket. He put this over the eel's head so that it could no longer bite. Nancy lay on her back and spread her legs and Mike lay on top of her. Apparently the two wanted to crush the eel between them. But the eel fought like a madman, and Mike and Nancy moaned and groaned. They fought so hard with the eel that the sofa almost fell over. After a long time, both of them suddenly lay still. Then Mike stood up and lo and behold, the eel was dead! I know this for sure because he was hanging there completely limp with his intestines hanging out. Nancy and Mike were pretty exhausted from the fight, but they still hugged and kissed each other with joy. But then came the big shock. The eel wasn't dead after all! He stood up again and the fight started again. He must have bitten Mike this time because he was suddenly lying on his back on the floor. Then Nancy jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 40 minutes of fighting, he was finally dead. For real this time, because Mike pulled the fur over his ears and flushed it down the toilet."

The young couple has chosen themselves as the destination of their vacation trip the Königssee in Upper Bavaria was chosen. They really like it and the husband snaps whatever he can find. In the familiar painter's corner they meet an artist in front of his easel. They both stop and watch him for a while. Finally the man pats his young wife on the shoulder and points to his camera. "You see, that's what someone has to worry about if they left their camera at home!"

A man sits in the sauna. At his best Piece is tattooed with a "W" and a "Y". Another man comes up and asks what that means. He replies: "When it's hard it says my girlfriend's name. Wendy!" A few days later, the tattooed man is on vacation at the nudist beach in Jamaica. There he sees a local who also has a "W" and a "Y" tattooed on his best piece. He walks up to him and says, "Let me guess: your girlfriend's name is Wendy too!" The local: "No, when he's tough it says: Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice holiday!"

The devil appears to a lawyer and proposes the following deal to him: "I will make you the most successful lawyer in the city. You will have four months of vacation a year. All colleagues will envy you, the clients and judges will respect you. You will be president of your golf club and an honorary doctor of the university. In return, the souls of your parents, your wife and your children will burn in hell forever." The lawyer thinks for a moment and then asks: "And what's the catch?"

A man comes into a restaurant and says: to the innkeeper: "I'll bet you 100 euros that I can show you and your guests the craziest thing you've ever seen." "Good," says the innkeeper, "the bet stands." The man then takes a 20 cm long male out of his coat pocket. The little man walks along the counter and says: "Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Johannes Mario Simmel. You probably know me, I'm a very well-known novelist." The guests are completely amazed and applaud loudly when the performance is over. The innkeeper says: "Here you have the 100 euros. You deserve it. I've never seen anything so crazy. But tell me where you got the dwarf from." Says the man: "There is an ancient oak tree back in the forest. There is a lamp between the gnarled roots. If you rub it, the genie appears and grants you exactly one wish. So you should choose it carefully and say it clearly." The innkeeper immediately rushes off into the forest. He finds the ancient oak tree and the lamp between the roots. He rubs it and the genie appears and says, "You have one wish." The innkeeper immediately says: "I want 10 million in small bills!" "Your wish be granted," says the spirit and - SNIP! - 10 grilled piglets lie on the ground, each with a lemon in its mouth. The innkeeper storms back into his restaurant and confronts the stranger who is still sitting there: "Your mind has a massive hearing defect. I ask him for 10 million in small bills, and he gives me 10 lemons in small pigs!" "So what?" says the man calmly, "do you really think I would have wanted a 20 cm tall Simmel?"

A Frenchman, an Italian and a German are caught drinking alcohol in an Arab country. They are then sentenced to 50 lashes each. Since they are foreigners, they each have one wish. The Frenchman: “Tie a pillow on my back.” The pillow can withstand about 15 hits before it breaks. The Italian saw it and said “tie two pillows on my back”. But they can only withstand 30 hits. Since Germany organized such a wonderful World Cup, the German can express two wishes: "I want 100 lashes!" Everyone is surprised, but - it is his will. And the second wish? "Tie the Italian on my back"

Three boys argue about whose father is the fastest. The first: "My father is a racing driver, he's definitely the fastest!" The second: "Forget it! Mine is a pilot in the Air Force, he's much faster!" The third: "No, my daddy is even faster!" The other two: “So, how does he do it?” - "He's an official!" Big laugh. "No, really! He's so fast that he leaves work at four o'clock on Friday but is home by three o'clock!"

Devil: “Why are you so desperate?” Man: "Stupid question, I'm in hell." Devil: "Hell isn't so bad - we have a lot of fun here. Are you a drunk?" Man: "Sure, I love drinking." Devil: "Well, you're going to love Mondays. We drink schnapps, beer, whiskey, tequila, everything all Monday. We drink until we drop." Man: “That sounds great!” Devil: "Are you a smoker?" Man: “Of course.” Devil: "You'll love Tuesdays. We smoke the best cigarettes from all over the world all day long. If you get cancer, who cares, you're already dead." Man: “That’s just great.” Devil: "I bet you're a player." Man: "Of course I am." Devil: "On Wednesday you can play anything your heart desires: poker, roulette, blackjack... anything you want. If you're broke, who cares, you're dead." Devil: “What about drugs?” Man: "Are you kidding? I love drugs." Devil: "Thursday is drug day. You can take all the drugs! You're dead, who cares?" Man: "I never thought hell would be such a cool place." Devil: “Are you gay?” Man: "No." Devil: "Oh, you'll hate Fridays."

The passenger in the dining car, an East Frisian drank three bottles of wine and now he can't find his compartment anymore. He asks the train conductor for help. He scratches behind his ear: "Bad, bad! Don't you remember anything that would allow you to recognize your compartment?" The East Frisian thinks about it and then says happily: "Yes, now I remember: cows were grazing outside the window!"

A woman goes to the pet store and wants buy a special parrot. Pet shop owner: "Take this one, the one with the two strings on the legs." Woman: "What happens if you pull on it?" Pet shop owner: “Try it out.” The woman pulls on a string, the parrot lifts its leg and says: "Hello. Hello." The woman is excited and pulls the other string, and the parrot lifts its leg again and says, "Good evening. Good evening." The woman is fascinated and thinks out loud: "What will happen if I pull on both at the same time?" Then the parrot said: "Then it'll hit me in the face, you stupid cow!"

Exam in anatomy. The young candidate stands in front of a corpse, precisely in front of what others left of her after their dissection exercises. The professor to the student: “Can you tell me whether this is a female or male corpse?” The student looks at the table, blushes, but says firmly: "A male corpse, Professor!" "So? And how do you want to know that?" With her face turned away, the student points to the remains of a corpse and bravely says: "This is where the penis was." The professor's answer: "Sometimes, madam, sometimes!..."

The officer comes to the doctor and has himself examined. He says: "Lately I feel like I've been worn out for a while!" - "Are you working too much?" - "Oh, that It's actually okay, Doctor, a year ago we had to work overtime still work about 42 hours and today there are only 37.5 hours left." - “Look,” the doctor diagnoses, “you’re probably missing something those 4.5 hours of sleep!"

A police car is routinely parked in the evening in front of a pub. Suddenly the door to the pub opens and an obvious A completely drunk guest staggers into the parking lot. The Police officers grin and watch as the man moves from car to car staggers and tries to unlock the car every time. After five He finally found his car and opened the driver's door and first lies flat on the driver and passenger seats. In the In the meantime, some guests leave the bar and get into their cars and drive away. The drunk gets up and switches it off Windshield wiper on - although it's a nice dry one It's a summer evening - then he activates the turn signal and switches it on Windshield wipers on quickly, turn on the lights and the radio, Turn the indicator off again and press the horn. Finally he starts the engine and turns on the windshield wipers again out of. He moves very slowly forward half a meter, then back half a meter again and then stands again for a few minutes as other guests enter the restaurant leave and drive away. Finally he slowly drives onto the Street. The police officer who watches the spectacle patiently and Amusedly watched, drives after the man, switches it off The blue light turns on and stops the drunk immediately have to take an alcohol test. To the big surprise The policeman's test is negative, whereupon he arrests the man asks you to come with me to the police station because there is something wrong with him Breathalyzer could not be correct. “I doubt that,” he says apparently drunk, "because today it was my turn to play decoy, so everyone else could drive away drunk."

Just don't come for vacation! Have Don't you have any honor in your body? Do you even know how little you work? I want to calculate this for you: There are 365 days in the year, right? You sleep 8 hours a day, that's 122 days, with 243 days left. You have eight hours off every day, which is also 122 days, with 121 days left. There are 52 Sundays in the year where no work is done. What's left? 69 days. There is no work on Saturdays either, that's another 52 whole days. So there are still 17 days left. But continue. You have 1/2 hour break every day, so a total of 7 days. What's left? Only 10 days left. There are 9 holidays in the year, what's left? SAY AND WRITE: 1 DAY! And that's May 1st - and no work is being done on that either! AND YOU WANT TO GO ON HOLIDAY TOO?